From "No Rescue" Parenting toward "No Need to Rescue" Parenting

I was avoiding work by looking at my facebook feed when I saw a link to another parenting article. I clicked, I read, and I sighed. I felt sad as both a teacher and parent.

There is a new parenting paradigm out there meant to address helicopter parenting. It is called “no rescue parenting.” The writer of the original blog post that coined the phrase was featured on a segment of the Today Show and received a lot of support.

At its core, no rescue parenting seems to make sense. If a kid forgets something, rather than rushing in to save them from consequences or discomfort, the parent stays home. Forget your cello at home and today is band practice? Too bad, too sad. Forget a notebook, oh well, next time – you will remember.

The idea is to promote self-sufficiency and responsibility in kids who perennially forget their stuff. This tactic, the Mom explained, was not for the kid who is generally responsible and forgets his stuff once a year. It is for the kid who always seems to leave his notebook on the counter when the bus comes.

The “no-rescue” ideal seems to have the full support of King Solomon in Proverbs. There he decries the character trait of “Atzlut” laziness which leads to poverty, illness and spiritual shallowness. The commentators, such as Rabbeinu Bechayei and the Mesilas Yesharim, write about how and why this character flaw undermines any growth a person can achieve. Atzlut, as described by commentators is allowing others to do for us what we can do for ourselves.

As parents and teachers, we don’t want to promote Atzlut. We shouldn’t do for our students or children what they could do for themselves. Removing all obstacles and allowing them to become lazy and forgetful will not make them happy or successful people in the long run.

It sounds good and the intentions are in the right place, but as a Mom and teacher of kids, I’m not sure it’s the best tactic. Why did I sigh when I read the article and watched the video clip? Because, maybe, and quite likely, that child who keeps forgetting his notebooks needs education and not judgment.

I’m sure you can think of the kid who we envision needs a little of that “no-rescue” mentality. He’s the one whose papers are crumpled at the bottom of his backpack, who needs to borrow a pencil at the start of every class and doesn’t hand in his homework assignments. Why shouldn’t a little tough love straighten him out?

If a kid doesn’t understand fractions and fails his tests, we wouldn’t judge him as being lazy. If a child who needs glasses can’t see the board, we don’t tell her to try harder. We teach them differently, and we give them the tools to be successful.

When kids are disorganized, they don’t know how to organize their stuff. What does “no-rescuing” do? It makes them anxious. It shames them. It reinforces the message that there is something wrong with them, that they are lazy and irresponsible.

What doesn’t “no rescuing” do? It doesn’t teach them how to do better. It doesn’t teach them what they did wrong. It doesn’t give them tools so that as adults they will meet deadlines, manage their paperwork and organize their stuff.

I had a student who did his homework and forgot to hand it in on a regular basis. He wanted good grades. He did his work at home. Somewhere in between home and school, he got distracted and forgot what he needed to do when he got to school.

Another student took his work sheets and unless I was standing next to him, would stuff them into the front pocket of his binder. So what is the matter with these kids? Why are they being so irresponsible?

Many bright, capable children lack executive function skills. As described by the National Center for Learning Disability (NCLD), , they have trouble managing their time, their things, multitasking and remembering details.

What is a teacher or a parent to do with this kid who can be more frustrating than a child with an obvious learning difference? It is November, and he is still not writing his name on his paper! How many times have I announced to the class that all papers need to have your name on top! -5 points!

Kids with executive function disorders can be taught. It is just as much our responsibility to teach them these skills as how to read and write. Here are some strategies that work:

1. Checklists – Anything that can be described sequentially can go on a checklist.
   
   Is getting out the door each morning a daily struggle? Work with your child to make a list of the steps. Don’t expect the child to remember it from day to day. He needs as much working memory available to remember where he keeps his socks. Better yet, label the sock drawer too. Forcing him to juggle everything in his memory will ensure least one thing will be forgotten at home. A written list saves on anxiety and time and breeds success.
   
   In school, come up with a checklist of the things that your student is forgetting often. Every student is different, and a personal checklist works better than a generalized one, according to Bonnie Glick, an educational consultant .
2. Reinforce routines – Transitions require a lot of mental effort. Having routines helps all children relax and flow from one activity to another. Homework should be done at the same time and same place daily. Students should have a consistent place to write down their homework and assignments. Teachers should likewise write down the homework in the same place every day. How class begins and ends can be standardized to help students learn what is expected of them. While this takes away some of the creativity and spontaneity that we teachers enjoy, it is better for our students’ learning.
   
   
3. Use color and other visuals – Think of color and visual imagery as a parallel to auditory instructions. Visuals can be referenced later while auditory information cannot. In the younger grades, the ELA folder and notebook should be the same color for every student in the class while Math should have its own color. If we expect our students to differentiate between vocabulary and content, ask them to use a different pen color or highlighter at the beginning of a section. Have a picture of an assignment with all the proper elements in the right place such as name, date and spacing for students to reference.
4. Work with the other teachers in your school –There is a vertical curriculum for all subjects. A chumash teacher looks at the previous years’ expectations and methodology to plan this year’s curriculum. Executive function skills should be no different.
   
   In which grade do students learn how to use a planner? When do they learn how to use their binders? When do they learn how to plan for long term projects? Schools need curriculum for these soft skills as much as for the things that get the standardized tests.
   
   Building on previous teacher’s methodology means that students can develop new executive function skills in subsequent years. This is especially true if we are using strategies to streamline the classroom activities. A common occurrence for example is the third grader teacher using the yellow notebook for ELA while the fourth grade teacher uses it for math. Everyone ends up frustrated that the students are taking so long to find their notebooks. Organization systems are great but having to relearn them yearly is wasteful and stressful. Talking it over with other teachers helps make it easier on everyone.
5. Ask, don’t tell – Verbal instructions can be long and daunting – “take out your science book, turn to page 35 and do problem 1-10.” This seemingly simple instruction has multiple parts that can get overwhelming. The student looks defiant when he doesn’t start when he really just feels stupid. Go over to the child and ask. “It’s science time – what do you need on your desk to do the assignment?” Reinforce the positive steps “Great, you got out your notebook and book, how will you do the classwork written on the board?” Let the child develop his own self-monitoring so he learns how to unpack your instructions and gain independence.

These strategies are just the tip of the iceberg of how we can help those disorganized, frustrating kids be the bright, capable students they are. When we give children the tools to overcome their weaknesses, we are getting rid of the anxiety and shame which can cripple them for life.

We are not rescuing our kids, we are building them. We are parenting using the "No Need to Rescue" Parenting system. We are setting up our kids to lead happier and more productive lives.

If you have a student or child who fits this profile, please take the time and read the many wonderful websites that outline strategies to help:

• http://www.childmind.org/en/posts/articles/2012-8-20-helping-kids-executive-functions-organization
• http://www.ncld.org/types-learning-disabilities/executive-function-disorders/what-is-executive-function/page-2
• http://www.aane.org/asperger_resources/articles/education/executive_function_disorder.html

My Terrible/Horrible/No Good/Very Bad Day.

If I write about IT will I seem pathetic? Do I write about IT and try to seem wise?  Do I avoid writing about IT and try to seem super-together and expert-like?  Or do I just quit blogging????

 This is what has been running through my mind ever since I agreed to write a blog post this week.

 Because more than any other topic, I have been wanting to write about my Terrible, Horrible, No Good/Very Bad Day.

 Yeah, I know, blogs on education websites are meant to be inspirational, educational and/or motivational. Hopefully, authentic will pass muster and will help out my fellow teachers as we do our best with the best that we have.

 How Terrible/Horrible/No Good/Very Bad Days have I had this year?  For the first time in all my years teaching, I struggled to connect with the students and teach the material in a fun and engaging way that I enjoyed. This threw me for a loop because until this year, I was the teacher whose classroom was inviting and exciting. I was the teacher whose curriculum got downloaded from websites and was blogging about creative ways to reach each student. This year was very different. So many factors aligned to make this year challenging. Every teacher has those things that are challenging. I just had a lot at once but these individual challenges is not what is important to focus on.

 So why do I want to write about Terrible/Horrible/No Good/Very Bad Days if I am not going to analyze how to prevent them or have the fun of gossiping, blaming or being defensive? I'm writing about it for the teacher who thinks they are the only one who can't seem to pull off a collaborative group activity that combines spirituality and literacy while fostering social skills and classroom culture in an appropriately differentiated lesson.

 I'm also writing this for the co-teachers and administrators who see a colleague struggling with a class and want to reach out rather than isolate and judge.

 There were a few people who were very helpful and I hope we can all aspire to provide that support for our friends.

 One day was a doozy - I was just ready to cry. There were so many factors outside my control and nothing would be different the next day.  I talked it over with a colleague, but we both realized I was not yet ready to hear practical suggestions nor would any make that much of a difference. The advice she offered turned out to be the most practical and useful advice I have ever received from any education professional. It is worth repeating to anyone who will listen and implementing every day.

 My colleague asked me if I had prayed before I entered the classroom. When I heard this advice, I was taken aback. After all, I was the Orthodox Jew teaching religion while she was the non-Jewish secular studies teacher. She repeated the idea and told me that some days that was the best and only thing she could do to reach a hard class.

 What awesome advice! I preach all day about the power of prayer but never thought to do it myself. For all my training and creativity, I had forgotten about bringing G-d into my classroom and my work. Recognizing that it is not all up to me and there are factors that are outside my control has been a powerful spiritual experience. And so I have begun praying to teach, to reach and to educate. Because it's really not about my skills and training after all.

 The second colleague who helped me told me about batting averages. I shared with her a lesson where I felt I failed. Struck Out. I couldn't believe how badly the lesson had gone. When I shared with other people, their reaction just reinforced my shame since they NEVER had such an issue. This colleague thankfully took a different tack. She told me that batters are considered super-stars if they have over a .300 average. That means that seven out of ten times they strike out. Rather than harping on failures, I should look at the long term. Every day won't be a home run. But if I was able to keep working at it, I would still be in the game. Everybody has bad days, great days and mediocre days. Anyone who says otherwise is lying or in denial. We need to focus on successes and learn from our mistakes and keep moving.

The third person didn't even realize he was motivating me after a hard week. We hosted a scholar-in-residence for dinner. This scholar really lived up to his title; he is a recognized super-genius who is well known for his brilliance. I had a hard time arguing with him, which came in handy as you will soon see. We were talking Jewish education, and I, parroting the doomsday talk that I read, was bemoaning the state of Jewish education. The scholar looked at me and said that he thought we were doing pretty well on the whole. Our communities have so many Day School Graduates who are Shomer Shabbat and Kashrut, far more than could be imagined a generation ago.

I countered with some negativity that is featured regularly in the popular Jewish media. He repeated his assertion that on the whole, the sky is not falling and we are doing OK.

How refreshing it was for me to hear! There is so much negativity about the work we do that it can be draining. Having a positive perspective made the job so much more hopeful and enjoyable. True, there are problems, nothing is perfect, but challenges are very different from crises. Surprisingly, the positive outlook helped my teaching improve far more than the critiques that we are accustomed to sharing.

 So IF you ever have a Terrible/Horrible/No Good/Very Bad Day, before you do anything else remember
 1. Pray
 2. Nobody's Perfect
 3. As a whole, we're doing Pretty OK
and most importantly
 4. Reach out. Everyone has Terrible/Horrible/No Good/Very Bad Days. The more that teachers support each other, the better the next day will be.

 And, finally, because it is June, use the next few months to recharge and refresh for a Wonderful/Fantastic/Awesome/Very Good Day (Week,Month,Year) in September.